Move over Willy Wonka, Donald J. Trump has officially out-golden-ticketted you. Introducing the Trump 5 Million Dollar Golden Pass™—an all-access, gold-plated, ego-infused, possibly radioactive VIP card that guarantees absolutely nothing except bragging rights and a suspicious glitter rash.

According to sources (i.e., a guy in a MAGA hat behind a Waffle House), the Golden Pass offers:

• Lifetime entry to any Trump golf course—including the ones currently closed, foreclosed, or mysteriously replaced by Spirit Halloween stores.
• A selfie with a cardboard cutout of Trump in Mar-a-Lago’s Secret Gold Room™.
• Unlimited ketchup for your steaks (even the well-done ones, heathen).
• One (1) legally ambiguous pardon, valid in select states and TV interviews.
• Exclusive access to the “Truth Social Jacuzzi Lounge,” where tweets go to be reincarnated as political rants.

But wait, there’s more! For an extra $999.99, you can add the Ivanka Upgrade, which includes a scented candle, a guided tour of her skincare fridge, and a vague promise of networking opportunities in Dubai.

Critics have called the Golden Pass “a grotesque display of late-stage capitalism,” “the fever dream of a melted Rolex,” and “actually kind of genius, we’re jealous we didn’t think of it first.”

“It’s the best pass. The most luxurious. Everyone says so. Better than Disneyland. Better than heaven.”

—Donald J. Trump (probably)

Is it a grift? Is it performance art? Is it just another step in Trump’s plan to turn the American presidency into a subscription service?

We may never know. But for only $5 million, you can join the elite ranks of golden-pass holders (so far just a guy named Randy from Florida and a crypto bro who mortgaged his yacht).

So act fast! Supplies are limited! (There’s only one. It’s just been sold 14 times.)

Because in Trump’s America, everything has a price tag—even reality. And it’s gold-plated, baby.

What Real Americans Are Saying:

“I sold my kidney for the Golden Pass. Best decision I ever made. Trump winked at me once from a golf cart.”

— Randy, Florida Man (currently missing one kidney and three teeth)

“I tried to pay with the pass at Walmart. They arrested me. Worth it.”

— Brenda, patriot and amateur TikTok economist

“The pass came with a free cheeseburger and a subpoena.”

— Chad, crypto investor and part-time rodeo clown

“Bought the Golden Pass, lost my house, but I gained a dream. A stupid, shiny dream.”

— Misty, influencer, motivational speaker, and now legally homeless